What to Say (and Not Say) to Someone After a Miscarriage

Someone you care about has just told you they’ve lost a pregnancy. You want to help, but you’re worried about saying the wrong thing. Maybe you’re so worried that you end up saying nothing at all, or even avoiding them because you simply don’t know what to say.

If that’s where you are, please know that the fact you’re here, reading this and trying to understand how to support them already says a lot about you. You don’t have to get it perfect. You don’t need to find the magic words. Sometimes, simply being willing to stay alongside someone in something incredibly difficult is enough.

Having worked for many years as an Early Pregnancy Specialist Nurse, and now as a counsellor supporting people through pregnancy loss, I’ve heard many stories about what genuinely helped and what, even with the very best intentions, made things harder. I want to share some of that with you gently, in the hope that it makes supporting someone you care about feel a little less daunting.

What Not to Say

Most of the things below don’t come from a bad place. They’re often the words we reach for because we desperately want to make things better. We want to offer hope, find a positive, or somehow take away the pain.

When someone we care about is hurting, it can be really difficult to sit alongside their pain without trying to rescue them from it. We might look for a silver lining or try to change the way they’re experiencing what has happened.

But grief isn’t something we can fix. Sometimes, in trying to make someone feel better, we can unintentionally leave them feeling that they shouldn’t feel the way they do.

“At least it happened early.”

There can already be a sense of hierarchy around pregnancy loss — that the further along a pregnancy was, the more significant or “grief worthy” the loss is somehow seen to be. A 20-week loss can be perceived societally as more deserving of grief than a loss at six weeks, for example. But grief doesn’t work like that. When they saw that positive pregnancy test they became a parent, whether it was the first time or adding another member to their family a future life was imagined.

For many bereaved parents, this was already their baby. There may have been a due date, a name being considered, a scan picture on the fridge, or a whole future beginning to take shape. The pregnancy may have only been a few weeks along, but the love, hopes and expectations surrounding it can be enormous.

Saying “at least it happened early” can therefore feel incredibly painful. “Early” describes when the loss happened; it doesn’t tell us how much that baby was loved or how deeply their loss is felt. “At least it happened early.”

n the loss happened; it doesn’t tell us how much that baby was loved or how dee. "At least you know you can get pregnant.”

This is often intended to offer hope, but it can skip straight past the loss that is happening right now. For someone who desperately wanted this baby, hearing about a future pregnancy may not feel comforting. They may simply need someone to acknowledge what they have lost.

“Everything happens for a reason.”

Most people don’t need their loss explained or justified. They need it acknowledged. Sometimes there simply isn’t a helpful answer to “why?”, and it’s okay to sit with that uncertainty alongside them.

“You can always try again.”

Another pregnancy, if and when it happens, will be its own experience. It doesn’t replace the baby who was lost.

As a general rule, be cautious with anything that begins with “at least.” Even when it is meant kindly, it can unintentionally minimise what has happened.

What to Say Instead

You really don’t need perfect words.

“I’m so sorry. This sounds really hard” can be enough. It acknowledges their pain without trying to make it better.

“I’m here. You don’t have to go through this on your own” lets them know that you’re not going anywhere.

You could also ask, “Would you like to talk about it, or would you rather I just sit with you?” Giving them a choice allows them to decide what they need.

And it’s okay to say, “I don’t know what to say, but I’m thinking of you.” There can be something very comforting about honesty. You don’t need to pretend that you understand exactly how they feel.

If they have named their baby or pregnancy, don’t be afraid to use that name. You might worry that mentioning it will remind them of their loss, but they haven’t forgotten. Saying their baby’s name can be a simple way of acknowledging that their baby mattered.

Keep Showing Up

One of the things I hear most often is how difficult it can be when friends disappear after the first few days, weeks or months. Sometimes people stay away because they don’t know what to say, or because they think the person needs space.

There’s a difference between giving someone space and disappearing altogether.

You can simply say, “I don’t know what you need right now, but I’m here.” You don’t need to have all the answers.

And remember that grief can resurface at unexpected times. A due date that never arrives, the anniversary of the loss, Christmas, Mother’s Day or Father’s Day, or seeing someone else’s pregnancy announcement can all bring feelings of loss back to the surface.

If you know their due date, put it in your diary. You don’t need to make a big thing of it. A simple message saying, “I know today might be a difficult day. I’m thinking of you,” can mean so more than you realise.

Practical support can help too. A meal, a cup of tea, picking up their other children, or simply sitting with them can sometimes be more useful than asking, “What can I do?”, often i grief people dont know what they need!

Most importantly, follow their lead. Some people want to talk; others don’t. Some days they may want company and other days they may need space.

You don’t have to take their grief away. You just have to let them know they don’t have to carry it alone.

And Don’t Forget Dad/Partner

And one final thing: don’t forget the dad or partner.

Pregnancy loss can sometimes be talked about as though it happens only to the person who was pregnant. While they may be experiencing the physical loss alongside the emotional one, their partner is likely to be grieving too.

They may also be trying to support the person they love, putting their own feelings to one side and feeling that they need to be the strong one. They may not feel that their grief has the same place or recognition, particularly when so much of the focus naturally falls on the person who was physically pregnant.

So check in with them too. Ask how they are, give them space to talk if they want to, and remember that they may be grieving in their own way.

Sometimes simply hearing, “How are you doing? I know this is a loss for you too,” can mean a great deal.

If You’re the One Going Through It

If you’re reading this because you’ve experienced a pregnancy loss yourself, I want to say something to you too.

Whatever you’re feeling is okay. You might feel numb, angry, heartbroken, relieved, guilty, lost — or all of these things within the same hour. There is no right way to grieve and no timeline you’re supposed to follow.

You don’t have to make your grief easier for other people to sit with. And you don’t have to carry it alone.

If you feel that talking to someone might help, I offer counselling for miscarriage, recurrent miscarriage, ectopic pregnancy, molar pregnancy, TFMR and related losses, both in person in Bristol and online across the UK.

You’re very welcome to get in touch.

Gabi Williams is a Bristol-based counsellor and former Early Pregnancy Specialist Nurse, specialising in pregnancy loss, women's health and bereavement counselling. She is also a bereaved mother herself, and brings both professional and personal understanding to her work.